This is hard: working and parenting full-time during Covid-19
Like most parents in the world, my wife and I recently started to experience a new and challenging reality caused by the closure of our children’s school (CDS) as a result of the Coronavirus outbreak. We’re fortunate that CDS is investing deeply in making remote learning work for our young children and we’ve been working hard to adjust to the challenges of adding full-time childcare to our already full plates, all while experiencing the stress and anxiety of living through this intense time in the world.
With three weeks (that feel like three months) of combining full-time work and full-time parenting and home schooling under our belts, we’re settling into a sort of routine, albeit an intense one, at our home. That routine, for me, means waking up at 4:30am so I can start my day quietly, catch up on email and the news, and get my work day going. Ever since we changed the clocks, the kids have mercifully been sleeping until about 7am. During the 2.5 hours that it’s just me awake in the house, I can do whatever I want and need to do, free of any guilt that I should be helping the kids and my wife. While I don’t like getting up that early, I need this time to myself if I’m going to keep my sanity. My wife is endlessly supportive and encourages me to do whatever I need whenever I want, but I feel uncomfortable taking too much from her when I know how much there is to do and how much burden it places on her. Waking up before everyone else gives me the freedom to focus only on me, even if only for a short while, and I had no idea how much that mattered to me until it was gone.
Once the kids are up, I help my wife get them dressed and fed, and then I disappear into the guest bedroom to work until about 1:30pm. During the morning hours, my wife is helping our first grader do his schoolwork and keeping our three-year old occupied and learning. It’s amazing to me that she stays concentrated on them and puts aside the many other things she needs and wants to be doing. At 1:30pm, we switch. She goes to work, catches up on her life, and scrambles to do what she has to do, while I take over with the kids. The afternoons are a mix of me helping the first grader finish up his schoolwork, reading to the kids, doing video calls, and playing in the backyard. But I find that I’m disappointed in myself because, when I’m with them, I am not really focusing on the kids, constantly distracted by my phone, following emerging news and the continuing work day. By dinner time, my wife is back with us and it’s the familiar routine of dinner, baths, and bedtime. I try to get to sleep by 9pm, if I don’t fall asleep before that on the chair in my daughter’s bedroom.
What makes it so hard is the absence of time and a feeling of never being able to catch up — everything comes at the expense of something else. Getting up at 4:30am helps… a little.
Our story of trying to balance caring for and teaching our kids, working our full-time jobs, maintaining our home, personal affairs, and health, connecting with friends and family, finding a few minutes to be alone and catch our breath, all while enduring the stress of watching the world fall apart around us and hoping we don’t get sick, is familiar to any working parent during this time. Every day, I hear and read stories of how millions of parents are trying to figure out how to do this and feeling exhausted, disappointed, inadequate, and endlessly challenged.
While I’m intent on seeing the good that will come from this time —including a unique and special opportunity for growth and connection with my children — it has simply been incredibly challenging to be the parent I want to be. And although I know that what we’re doing is objectively hard, I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself for not better meeting the challenges and seizing the opportunity to be a good father during this time. I’m more impatient with the kids than I should be, I’m distracted by work and the news when I’m with them, and I feel that I’m not taking advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity to really and truly be with them. As crazy as it is, I think I’ll miss it when its over and I am pretty sure I’ll regret not finding a way to be closer to them during this time.
It’s a weird feeling to see your future regrets passing before your eyes. And you might say, “well if you know you’ll regret it, do something about it.” Easier said than done, but I’m trying. You might also say “this is hard, don’t beat yourself up.” Also easier said than done, but I’m trying.
These feelings have been consuming my mind during the few moments I have to consider them. As I was taking a brief break to work out the other day, I listened to Governor Newsom’s daily press conference and, given what I’ve been feeling, his words were so meaningful to me:
I just want to end by making one personal point, and that is, as a parent of four, the oldest being 10, this has been a very stressful time, and so for all the parents out there, millions of you.… Let me just express deep respect and empathy, and particularly for mothers. Let me just say this openly. I try to do my part as a parent, but my wife does a heroic amount of work, and the pressure that we have placed now, additional pressure on caregivers and parents, particularly women and moms, is extraordinary.
Moms are already carrying disproportionate amount of weight in terms of managing the household. Moms are also working, and many of them are teachers themselves that are having to provide distance learning, having to cope with all the stress and anxiety, looking out for all of their kids they love dearly, and making sure they’re taking care of their own kids and their childcare needs and the like. And again, there’s a gender reality connected to this, and I just want to go deeply to express an appreciation to all of the moms, all of those teachers, all those caregivers. I know how stressful this is. Trust me, I know, and I know what we’re asking of you over the course of the next few months…
Wow, I mean, I’ve had my issues with California and San Francisco these past few years, but to hear that deep empathy coming from the leader of our state was just so important to me. It came as a surprise and comforted me at a time that I didn’t realize I needed it. So thank you Governor Newsom for recognizing just how hard this is.
And as hard as it is for us in our family, we are actually incredibly lucky and have it so good compared to the many other parents who don’t have the same resources and support that we do. Despite my expressions of challenge here, I’m truly grateful for what we have.
I’m so impressed with and appreciative of our children’s school, Children’s Day School. The faculty and staff have been working tirelessly and making tremendous efforts to keep our children connected to school and build a successful distance learning program, from preschool through eighth grade, tailoring the content and expectations to each age group. It’s hard to say enough about how meaningful this is. To see these educators so intent on solving these issues and supporting us as parents is deeply comforting and supportive. More important than simply staying on track with their academics, the consequence of their efforts is that our children have a sense of continuity, connection, socialization, confidence, and safety during a time where events are hard for them to understand, but are clearly stressful for them.
We’re also deeply fortunate to have our parents who despite thousands of miles of distance, are supporting us by reading to our children over video calls and checking in on us and them every day.
Not to mention, we’re all healthy.
I can’t imagine going through this if we were sick with Covid-19 and afraid of what might happen to us, or if we didn’t have an engaged school, or if we didn’t have supportive and helpful parents, kind neighbors, stable jobs, competent state and city leadership, or a comfortable home. Wow.
Even so, parents like us are working harder than we’ve ever had to just to keep up.
Wish us luck.
